The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
