A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
