He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
