why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
