I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
