my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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