just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
