how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
