Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The feeling are messing with the penis
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
