I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
