i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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