I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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