Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
