Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
