I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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