I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
