It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
