Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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