nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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