every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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