I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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