It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Less talking, more tequila
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
