Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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