____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
