You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
