dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
