false alarm. still invincible.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
