also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
