Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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