Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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