i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
