I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Sex in the backyard? Check.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
