I wish I could punch you in the face.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
