I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
