You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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