You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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