She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
