Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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