She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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