well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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