Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
