2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wish you could order shots online.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
