just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
All the doctor said was why
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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