I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
