the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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