friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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