So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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