I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
