I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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