Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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