I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
