I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
